Pirate tale

  I held the helm with one hand standing behind it as the wind gently pushed forward. Gragh walked up the stairs of the quarter deck and approached me. He looked like he was solving the world most complicated puzzle. Of course he also gave that look when he needed to use the bathroom. “Cap’n,” Gragh finally said, “Do you ever feel… inferior?…”

In shock and disgust I replied, “No… my nether regions are perfectly adequate. Some have said that it is magnificent and above average.” 

Ossley spoke up as she walked behind me towards the railing, “That’s a yes.”

“Shouldn’t you be in the crows nest?” I asked slightly annoyed. 

“I’m on break. Besides this is where it gets good.” Ossley replied. 

“That’s an order, you’re to be in the crows nest watching…” I said as Ossley’s demeanor changed from playful to ravenous and she shot me a glance that gave Gragh and myself chills. “Of course a break. I’m not running a slave ship.”

“I wasn’t referring to your bits Cap’n. I was speaking to your beard.” Gragh replied. 

“I think I look rather dashing with long hair, mustache and strip goatee. Besides my sideburns are a sight to be held.” I replied. 

“It’s just… Are you incapable of growing a beard?” Gragh asked. 

“I’m perfectly capable of growing a bead but not everyone looks good with a long and thick chinstrap beard that connects to a strip goatee and mustache. Some of us have to shave between.” I replied. 

“A simple no would do. No need to drag out the embarrassment.” Gragh replied. Ossley was laughing so hard that she almost fell over the railing. 

Dear Megs ish

  Ragtop down and Credence blaring on the stereo. Could life be any better? The answer is yes, if my stupid hippy girlfriend didn’t quit me and hop a bus to New York. Well, Jesus doesn’t have a place for hippies in heaven. Besides Ike wouldn’t steer us wrong. It’s like the jingle, “I like Ike…”

My Murray’s hair pomade held strong against the wind from my vette. It was surprising really. But even “fortunate son” couldn’t get my mind off her. Her beautiful brown hair in her pageboy style. But that last dinner with her and our folks was the last straw. The last straw for everyone. 

“WHY DIDN’T SHE KEEP HER TRAP SHUT!” I yelled. It’s not like anyone could hear me. So was this a performance or did I truly think I would get something from yelling. I didn’t get anything from my outburst but who was the performance for? 

I gripped the wheel tighter. My dad bought me this car after my team won the championship. My dad couldn’t be more proud of his son, the quarterback of Booker T. High. Like father, like son only dad went to oak cliff. That was just before he enlisted into the marines. My dad was and still is bad to the bone. I want to be just like him. I need to be just like him. 

Ok, my decision is made. I’m going to join the marines just like dad. Sure he was after the japs but what’s the difference between them and the Vietnamese? I turned off the dirt road onto the road that lead to Dallas.

I raced towards Dallas as fast as I could. I couldn’t wait to raise my right hand. I’ll show that damn hippy. She was wrong to leave me. She was wrong to leave a real man. Hell, when I get to vote I’ll probably Vote for Nixon. Man seems to have his head on straight. That’s what a real man would do. I pulled into the spot in front of the marines door. It’s my time. 

The dinner:

“Pass the mashed potatoes please?” I asked. 

“Dad, I don’t get why this war is even happening. The Vietnamese haven’t hurt anyone and we are over there interfering with their politics. Would you want a Russian telling you how to vote?” Sally said with force. Her hair jiggling as she shook her head in frustration. She shoved the mashed potatoes into my hands. 

“You watch your damn mouth young lady!” My dad yelled. 

“The ruskies are god damn communists. They believe in disruption and chaos.” Her dad said angrily. This was a common conversation so I usually kept my nose out of it. 

“My pork chop is great mom. Did you do something different?” I asked. 

“I added garlic to the mix. Otherwise it’s just shake and bake, dear.” Mom replied. 

“WHAT’S SO BAD WITH COMMUNISM? WHAT’S SO WRONG WITH HELPING THE POOR AND HELPLESS?” Sally yelled. 

“YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?! HITLER WAS THE LEADER OF THE COMMUNIST GERMANS!” Sally’s dad said. 

“HITLER WAS A SOCIALIST!” Sally replied. 

“SOCIALISTS ARE COMMUNISTS!” Sally’s dad yelled back. “This is why women shouldn’t go to school. They can’t understand the minutiae of politics.”

“I UNDERSTAND BETTER THEN YOU DO! WHY DON’T YOU BOTH GO TO HELL WITH YOUR POLITICAL IDIOCY AND IGNORANCE! I’M OUT OF HERE!” Sally yelled throwing her napkin on her plate. “Thank you, Mrs. Drisden. I’m sorry you married an uninformed, ignoramus. I’m also sorry my father was a moronic imbecile.”

“That’s ok dear.” Mom said after she took a long drink of what she called special cola. 

“Dad, can I have a couple of bucks to go to the soda hop after dinner?” I asked. 

“Sure son. You know Mike, your daughter is going to be the death of me.” My dad said. 

“She is just green. I’m sure she will learn soon enough.” Sally’s dad replied. 

“You think she is really going to leave Texas?” My dad asked.

“Nah, she has been threatening that for two years now.” Sally’s dad replied. 

“Idiot,” My squad leader whispered to Jenkins, “Get your head in the game.” Jenkins was our squad tunnel rat. A role that he despised.

Jenkins spit some of his chew onto the ground in front of him. “You wanna go in there? My damn life expectancy is two weeks as a rat.” Jenkins responded. “Get fucked buck Sergeant.”

“This isn’t a damn request lance corporal. Get in there or it’s an act of mulanter punishable by firing squad.” Sarge whispered. 

“Mutiny, sarge…” I corrected quietly. 

“You’re next Pri…” Sarge whispered pointing in my general direction. I quickly zipped my lip. Suddenly there was loud bangs north of us and a zip sound from a bullet that nearly took off my nose. “CHARLIE TWO OCLOCK!”

We all dropped like a sack of flower. I grabbed my rifle and scooted over to a tree. Bullets were flying frequently and sporadically. “I don’t want to die.” I said trying to comfort myself. Though I may have wished for my sarge to kill the VC and save me. 

“Keep your voice down.” Williams said. “You will give ‘em an audio target.”

I squashed up into the tree like potatoes under moms masher. Williams was a cool headed corporal. He always helped me to stay calm. The loud noises really bothered me for some reason. “I can’t help it Corporal.”

“Put in your ear pro and fire back.” Williams replied. I did as he ordered. I focused on the bright spots and shot back. The sound was less of a problem now. But the bright spots were annoying. I emptied a mag and slapped in a new one. These damn things didn’t last long. 

As quick as the battle started, it ended. Sarge was the first to move to a kneeling position. “Sit rep corporal.” A moment of silence fell on us. “Corporal?” Sarge said sounding worried. I looked towards where Williams was during the attack. He had his head down. I kicked his helmet and he slid down the hill a little.

I slid down around Williams and flipped him over placing him on my lap. His helmet fell off his head and with it a pile of his brains. The hole in his forehead oozing a bit of brain. The blood got on my fingers. But my cheeks felt wet as well. I reached up with the only clean spot on the back of my hand. Wet. Why was my cheek wet? Another performance? Is it for sarge?

“Fine, Jenkins, sit rep?” Sarge said. Another moment of silence. “Jenkins!” He yelled. After a few seconds he finally yelled, “FUCKING JENKINS YOU GOD DAMN COWARD! Fine private, get in that damn tunnel and report back with your findings!”

Pirate DitD who cares

I stood behind the helm and struck a mighty pose. One hand resting on my sword and the other firmly gripping the wheel. My hat covering my eyes from the sun as the machine began to turn the sky into a storm. My coat flowing behind me. Suddenly I noticed that Gragh and the crew had stopped working. “Cap’n? What the blazes are you doing?” A deck hand inquired. 

“I’m contemplating.” I replied. 

“Yeah but… contemplating what?… exactly?…” another asked. 

“My next move.” I replied. 

“Ok… but… all the moves are set in motion. The pawns are in play and the rooks are getting into position. So by a move stand point you don’t need to consider anything… but you do need to rotate the wheel.” A deckhand said eloquently. 

“Right… but perhaps he is contemplating… Captain things… For Captain reasons…” Gragh said tripping over his words. 

“There, you see. Captain things… for Captain… reasons…” I said confused by Gragh’s remarks. “You know what. Just get back to work you swine.”

“Ok… that’s a bit hurtful.” A deckhand shouted. 

  “Look, I’m sorry but can you please get back to work.” I pleaded. The crew snapped back at the work at hand. I didn’t wish to continue feeling foolish so I pulled as hard as I could on the helm to turn Aurora as fast as she could. She gave a grown and reluctantly began to turn about. 

As she turned a cannonball skipped right through the masts not touching anything till it hit the water on the port side. Aurora let out a noise. She seemed shocked that it didn’t hit her. 

“You have amazing luck babe.” I said to Aurora. Aurora groaned in annoyance. “Alright, steady now.” Aurora barreled towards the Spanish vessel. Lightning cracked over head. I pulled out my sword and straighten out the helm. “Reduce the sails and prepare the cannons. Send the morons to hell!” I yelled. 

“You heard the Cap’n. Hop to!” Gragh yelled. I threw the rope around the helm to steady our course and went to the starboard side.

“FIRE!” I yelled and the Aurora fired off a barrage. Before the Spanish could return fire we fired a second and third barrage. With the Spanish ship incapacitated we weighed anchor and threw hooks with rope at the Spanish ship. We pulled her in close and I swung aboard. I slipped on the Spanish deck which was wet from our rain. As I stood up a flash of lightning and crack of thunder back lit my ascent. “Listen well! I am Captain Smite Liff. I’m here for your gold and to make repairs. If you challenge myself or my crew then you will die!” I announced proudly. Unfortunately when I looked around everyone was engaged in fighting. 

“It would appear to be the Spanish Royal Navy sir.” Gragh said as he bashed a man with the hilt of his sword. The man dropped like a pile of rocks off a cliff. I thrust my sword through the man’s chest. Gragh slashed at a man who came for my back. I deflected a sword from slicing Gragh behind his back. With my free hand I pulled out my gun and shot the man. Gragh pulled out his hand cannon and shot killing three man in the blast radius. 

“Quite the party you throw, Gragh.” I yelled, “KILL THEM AND SEND THIS SHIP TO THE DEPTHS!”

“After we collect the booty sir?” Gragh inquired. 

“You are kinda killing the momentum Gragh. But of course.” I said. Gragh slashed at a sailor who attempted to deflect but miscalculated how strong Gragh was and the force behind his swing. 

The battle raged for a few more minutes until the Spanish Captain was killed and the Spanish crew had dwindled. The remaining Spanish crew surrendered. 

“Alright Cap’n, shall we take the goods and sail away?” Gragh asked. 

“The Captain said we scuttle the ship, taking the goods and killing the survivors. Right Captain?” Belmar asked. 

“Are you seeking death Belmar?” Gragh reciprocated. 

“The Captain should be a man of his word.” Belmar snapped. 

“Aye but words of passion during times of the heat of the battle should not be judged against the Cap’n.” Gragh said getting annoyed. 

“And what? You would prefer he appear weak in front of his crew?” Belmar asked with anger.

“ENOUGH! Last I checked, I am the Captain. And per the rules set down by Hornigold and Thatch we will do a vote with my decision being the tie breaker.” I said angry at Belmar for being presumptuous.

“A vote, what kind of Captain are you?” Belmar said under his breath. 

“What was that Belmar?” Gragh said loudly. 

“CREW! KILL AND SCUTTLE OR STEAL AND SCURRY!” I yelled. “THOSE FOR STEALING AND SCURRYING?!” Gragh counted 75% of the crew who voted for scurrying. “Then gather the goods men and prepare to make way.”

Pirates DitD some number

 

The next morning, I rolled over and saw sunrise. It was absolutely gorgeous outside. I could see the beautiful blue sky with the sun beating down upon the waves. Weirdly there was a faint smell of burned carbon. And I didn’t quite remember a hole next to my window. I rolled over paying it no more of my attention and glanced towards my door. Awkwardly there was another hole next to the door. I had a ringing in my ears as I sat up. I grabbed my pants off the bedpost and slid them up as i slowly stood. I threw on my shirt and strapped on my boots. Slowly the ringing faded and I could hear a faint bell ring in the distance. It also sounded like crew running all around my ship. I grabbed my jacket and hat and headed for the door. As I walked into the war room Gragh burst from the quarter deck. 

“Cap’n, yur awake!” Gragh yelled.

“Aye, to the point Gragh.” I replied. 

“We are under attack. A ship to stern. Not sure when they approached but they are closing fast and firing from the depths of hell.” Gragh informed me. 

“Type of flag, Gragh?” I inquired. 

“Apears to be Spainish.” Gragh replied. 

“Prepare to come about Gragh. And apply the smoke. If they want to fight the devil then let’s make it so.” I said with a glint of mischief in my eyes. 

“Aye,” Gragh said as he headed out the door. “PREPARE TO COME ABOUT YOU FILTHY BEGGARS!” 

I walked out on the deck. And grabbed my sword. “IF THEY WISH TO FIGHT THE DEVIL, THEN LET’S GIVE ‘EM HELL!” I yelled with vigor. 

“Smoke?” Hlam asked. 

“In the worst way.” I replied. 

“Is that a yes?” Hlam inquired further. 

“Yes. That’s a yes. And can you make a thunderstorm to follow us in as well?” I asked. 

“That’s not how weather works but yes.” Hlam said annoyed at my ignorance. 

“Aye. But that’s how we scary them. And maybe a little red backlighting as well.” I replied. 

“Fine.” Hlam said. 

I walked towards the helm and said, “That’ll do, Belmar.” 

“Yes but Captain.” Belmar replied. 

“I said to stand aside first mate.” I stated. “In times of war the Captain leads the charge. Not the first mate.”

“Very well,” Belmar stated slowly slinking away. 

Pirates DitD some number

 

“So wait, we can’t go back to our own dimension and we can’t even get a dimension with doughnut rain? That’s lame.” I replied. 

“The laws of physics would still exist but something big or small could have changed by our being here. Just keep that in mind.” Hlam said. 

“Ok… but we would still have the most technologically superior and strongest ship and crew?” I asked. 

“At this theoretical time and space, precisely.” Hlam replied. 

“Sounds like a win in my book. Ay?” I replied. “Keep up the good work.” 

As I walked out the door Hlam tried to stop me saying, “But Captain.” I exited the door back to the quarter deck. 

“Cap’n,” Gragh said. “I have an idea.”

“Oh my. EVERYONE GATHER ROUND!!! GRAGH HAS AN IDEA!” I yelled with emphasis on Gragh’s name. 

“Right! Listen up, you bunch of Lilly liveried sea dogs. The first attack was just a test with learning being our objective. Now we hit them where it hurts.” Gragh yelled. 

“The left big toe?” A man called out from on deck. 

“No, you jack wang! The pocket book!” Gragh yelled back. “This time we take our time. We scary the trousers off of them and have them bring the valuables to us!”

“YEAH!” The crew cried out. 

“All opposed to Gragh’s plan give an aye!” I yelled expecting no one to pipe up. 

“What if we don’t have an eye to spare?” A man from the crew inquired. 

“Anyone else feel as though that was too silly of a joke?” I asked. 

“It’s Jimmy. He’s a new dad.” Another crew member called out. 

“Ok Jimmy, then just yell ‘no’ and we will understand.” I said. 

“Right, Just asking.” Jimmy responded. 

“Gragh, it’s your idea. Give me a heading?” I requested. 

“Where ever the wind may take us Cap’n .” Gragh replied smugly. 

  “A real heading if you please Gragh.” I said. 

“Oh. Right. That way Cap’n.” Gragh replied. I pointed our ship in the direction that Gragh gave and began following it as best I could. 

“Ossley keep your eyes peeled!” I yelled. Gragh began barking orders to the crew. Everyone seemed to be filled with purpose and even the Aurora seemed to be excited. She didn’t creak or moan at all. But that excitement faded as day turned to dusk. Belmar walked over to the wheel and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Captain, get some rest. You’ve got a busy day of pirating to do tomorrow.” Belmar said calmly. 

“I’m not the slightes…” I said as I let out a big yawn. “Alright, keep watch first mate.” The Aurora moaned loudly for a longer time then usual. “Good night love. Keep us safe.” 

“Yeah, we aren’t that close Captain.” Belmar replied. 

“Not you, you half-wit. The Aurora.” I said as I headed to my quarters. 

DitD 45 pirates

“Captain, a word.” Hlam said quickly and quietly. I followed him back to the war room and I sat down at the head of the table. “Captain, I’m growing concerned that we can’t return to our own time.”

“But the thingy… you said time travel.” I said frantically. I leaned in towards Hlam and said, “is it only capable of backing up.” Aurora moaned. “I just asked that!”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean that we can travel backwards and forwards but not to our own time. It’s a slight deviation on the butterfly effect.” Hlam said excited.

“So we can travel backwards and forwards but not backwards and forwards?” I asked. 

“Yes… and no…” Hlam said. “Right now your brain is Einsteins cat.”

“Einsteins cat?… Oh, you mean Schrödinger’s cat?” I asked. 

“Again, yes and no. Einsteins cat was similar to Schrödinger’s cat but with explosives instead of acid. Makes it more fun.” Hlam pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil. “So when we travel back in time we are entering a different dimension.”

“Because time is a dimension of space.” I said proud of my basic physics knowledge. 

“No you buffoon. Because when we travel back in time we are where we weren’t before. Because we didn’t exist back in pirate times and…” Hlam said being interrupted by my laughs. 

“Pirate times sounds like a horrid publication for news. Or are you talking about the golden age of piracy?” I snorted. 

“Shut up, you may learn something.” Hlam said annoyed. “Because we were never in the 1700’s, we can’t therefore be in the 1700’s. But since we are we must be creating the standard time paradox. However that paradox is solved by my time travel device being a time and dimension device. So we can never return to our time and dimension.” Hlam said. 

“So this new dimension… will it rain doughnuts?” I asked. 

“No you idiot, it’s just like ours but it’s possible that Spain rules the world.” Hlam said. 

DitD 44 pirates

  “Right! We are off. We will go over the haul when we are far enough away from our enemy.” I called out. I stood at the wheel and stares off in the distance. My hope was to gain more respect from my crew with my stoic stance. I kept one hand on the wheel. 

“Captain, Sharp cliffs approaching on the port side.” Ossley called from the nest. 

“right.” I called back and steered the ship slightly to the right. “Prepare the bubble!” I yelled.

Gragh ran out from under the quarter deck. “Oy bilge rats, run up the sheets and switch on the genny! Double time!” He yelled. We slowed to a stop just beyond the cliffs when the green light ignited. I flipped a switch and the bubble kicked on. The blue hue surrounded us and the ship began to rise with the waves pushing us upward. I pushed the speed lever forward and pulled back on the wheel. We pulled into a cloud and I set the autopilot to keep us hidden the cloud. 

“Bring forth the booty.” I called out. 

“Let’s go, you filthy grog runners!” Gragh yelled out. 

A few men approached Gragh, “Sir no offense but do you intend to use colorful insults to call for us the entire journey? We have been talking and we aren’t sure that is the best way to motivate us.”

“I’m sorry, do you want a nap time with milk and cookies?” Gragh asked. 

“I don’t know that an appeal to extremes or reductio ad absurdum is necessary. Unless that was a serious offer?” One of the individuals asked. 

“Not serious. We are pirates not the kind Royal Navy. We need to be tough. Tough skin and tough fighters.” Gragh replied.

“Ok but we are people with feelings,” another said. 

“And a bedtime story for you tonight. You want sweetness then join the royals but if you want a fair vote and fifty percent of the haul then deal with how I call you.” Gragh replied. 

“I can see we are at a stalemate, we will talk later,” the first one said. They ran back into the crowd that had gathered around the chests that were grabbed off the Spanish ship. 

I walked down from the quarter deck. “Open it guys. Let’s see what we pulled in.” I said as I approached. 

“We don’t have a key sir.” A person in the crowd said quietly. 

I shot the lock and it fell off. “Shit, I thought that only worked in the movies,” I said to myself. A few others used pry bars to smash the locks open. Then they opened the chests. I expected jewels and gold but found only cloths. 

“Our first haul is ladies dresses,” someone in front of a chest called out. A shot was heard slamming the deck just before Ossley landed. 

Her barrel was smoking in her hand, “Just call it dresses idiots. This is an all inclusive vessel.”

“Aye!” They called out. 

“We sell our goods and get money for it. What good fortune that these dresses be fine in quality.” I said. “Belmar will use his silver tongue to get the best price and we will split the booty evenly among us all.”